Welcome to STOOL HATS DIGEST, a weekly newsletter all about links and bullshit. This is where we’ll cover the most important events of the week and maybe even make you laugh.
Group Leader Caught Drinking Behind the Wheel
On Monday, Stool Hats resident Group Leader, Kevin Cauchi, was caught drinking white claws behind the wheel of his Tesla Model Y. This has led to further speculation about his frequent alcohol abuse, resulting in an overall change of attitude towards the GL. Many are worried, others are laughing but no matter what everyone has something to say about this horrible habit that Cauchi has gotten himself into. On this revelation, Dylan said “I cannot link under a group leader like this”, exposing his hesitation to even link knowing of Kevin’s obsession with alc. We will continue to pray that Kevin overcomes this demon quickly and painlessly.
Valorant Trials
Chiv, Dylan, Malik, Brian, and Stoli ran up a competitive Valorant game Monday evening. The group faced many trials during this game, including high ping on Chiv’s part and unawareness on Dylan’s. Of these events, Chiv said “This makes me so f***ing mad! I can’t even move!” The gang ended up losing, though they were more relieved that the game was finally over.
Stoli Defeats Malik in Build Battle
In the early hours of Tuesday, Stoli and Malik decided to settle their long-standing Fortnite beef by conducing a 1v1 build battle. In a wide sweep, Stoli defeated Malik with 0 deaths, leading for Malik to proclaim that the battle would have ended differently if the game was osu! instead of Fortnite. Stoli confirmed this, but also added that he could beat Malik in any FPS game that isn’t Overwatch. The two have yet to settle their Minecraft beef, so until then the question of “Who’s the best gamer?” can not be answered.
BULLSHIT REPORT
Here are the current bullshit standings
- Group Leader has stayed stagnant this week, refusing to leave the leaderboard
- Notti Bop had a small spike on Thursday and Friday, but is expected to completely fall off going into the week of 3/24
- Kevin is an Alcoholic has been established and has had a very strong start this week
Advice from the Bear Tamer
“Beatbox the pain away“
Written by S.H.C.
Market Consultation by Duke Krym
Art by Bing Image Creator
”Stool Hats Digest” is a production of RINTERNET PUBLISHING, an internal division of PIRATE KING.
© 2024. All Rights Reserved.