Welcome to a very special issue of STOOL HATS DIGEST, a weekly SHP newsletter. This week, we dedicate the entire edition to founding Stool Hat and longtime Rinternet Publishing consultant, Bear Tamer Krym.
Krym Loses Every Time, Studies Show
This week, the SHP’s resident Bear Tamer suffered many losses, all of which have cumulated to the final conclusion that he must, in the words of the Evil Eye, lose every time.
It all began on Monday evening, when Dylan was unsuccessful in his attempts to defeat Stoli in a game of NBA 2K, despite the former’s previously undefeated record. This came as a shock to Dylan, who left abruptly after in an attempt to wallow in his sorrows. Those sorrows were wallowed a bit too intensely, however, as while driving home Dylan realized he didn’t have the keys to his house, which he then frantically searched for before realizing they were in his bag the whole time. Quite a day of Ls for the Duke.
The following night, Dylan took another big loss when he was accidentally loaded the vomit cannon and misfired it all over the streets of Queens. It is unknown at this time what caused the V.C. accident, but many on the scene point their fingers towards a malted milkshake Dylan was drinking prior to this occurrence. It was at this point that Dylan assumed his losing streak was over, until Saturday afternoon when Dylan sent a joke in the group chat, where Kevin quickly responded that he knows the source where which Dylan had gotten the joke from. Quite a rough week for the famous Bear Tamer.
Basketball with the Bear Tamer
In hopes of raising his spirits, the following is the first edition of a new segment here at Stool Hats Digest, Basketball with the Bear Tamer. This replaces his previous advice column, until the end of the NBA playoffs season. You may have noticed this has been a short issue up until this point, and that is because there is a lot of background to cover in this first edition, and our editor found it best that this is published in its entirety.
Hey everyone welcome to Basketball with The Bear Tamer, 2024 playoffs edition. This section of the newsletter is gonna give you all you need to know about what’s going on in the world of African Handball (as my father calls it) and lucky for us it’s the best time of the year; the playoffs! As of the time of writing (morning of 4/27) we’re all done with the play-in tournament and 3 full games into the playoffs (other than the Celtics vs Heat and Thunder vs Pelicans series) and so far it’s definitely been one for the ages. For starters let’s get into the play-in tournament.
A Quick Summary of the Play-in Tournament
At the start of the Western Conference play-in tournament the 7th seed Pelicans matched up against the 8th seed Lakers who were looking to be matched up with the Denver Nuggets in round 1 despite being swept by them in the 2023 Western Conference Finals. Zion Williamson absolutely dominated the floor for the Pelicans but was sadly injured with a little over 3 minutes remaining, sparking a Lakers comeback as Zion was the only real force of offense coming from New Orleans as all-star player Brandon Ingram sat on the bench for most of the night, and former all-star CJ McCollum played horribly. Despite the loss, New Orleans should have a lot of hope for the future, as for the entirety of his short career, Zion has been constantly tagged with questions such as “can he stay healthy?” “Will his injuries ruin his play?” “Will Zion ever lose weight? Or will he just not care about his career and waste all of the Pelicans money?” and his stellar performance that night has silenced the doubters ever since.
The following play-in game was between the Warriors and the Kings, a new rivalry that has formed in the NBA and narratively one of my favorites. Due to Klay Thompson shooting 0/17 and ending his 38 minutes of playing time with 0 points, poor coaching by Steve Kerr, Steph Curry unable to carry 15 grown men on his back for eternity, and overall good but unimpressive performances by the Kings, the Golden State Warriors were knocked out of the play-in. This is disastrous for the delusional Golden State Warriors fanbase, as despite their terrible record, aging roster, and poor coaching fans still held out hope that the Warriors could make it all the way to the finals through this stacked Western Conference due to their victory in the 2022 NBA Finals over the Boston Celtics (which I will hold myself back from talking about in this article)
Lastly, the Pelicans then went on to play the Kings, with both rosters dealing with some serious injuries as Zion Williamson remained out due to his injury from the previous game, while Kevin Huerter and Malik Monk from the Kings had been ruled out for the entire season due to injuries. This was a pretty quiet game and far from an interesting one and ultimately the New Orleans Pelicans advanced to play the Oklahoma City Thunder in round one.
The Eastern Conference Play-in tournament kicked off with my Philadelphia 76ers going up against the Miami Heat, who are considered to be one of the more lethal teams in the East when it’s time for playoffs, despite their lackluster roster. But what the Jimmy Butler lead Miami Heat have taught me over the past 4 years is to never judge a book by its cover. The game started incredibly slow for the 76ers, as they really struggled with turnovers and reigning MVP Joel Embiid just seemed gassed (which was later revealed to be due to his Bell’s Palsy. Get Better Joel!) But after an injury to Jimmy Butler in the first quarter caused by contact by Sixers forward Kelly “Lightskin Papi” Oubre, the 76ers ultimately came back to win the game despite Butler playing out the rest of the game with an MCL Sprain. The Sixers then advanced to the first round to play the New York Knicks, with backup center for the Sixers Paul “B-Ball Paul” Reed saying to the media “This is exactly what we wanted, That’s easy for us”
Following this game the Atlanta Falcons played against the Chicago Bulls. Both of these teams have their own hurricanes going on in the front office, as the Falcons are trying to contend for a championship but have had a .500 record since 2021 and are trying to win with 2 ball dominant guards in Trae Young and Dejounte Murray playing at the same time. On the other hand, the Bulls front office has been begged over and over again to just blow up the entire roster as the Bulls previously looked like a real contender when they originally acquired DeMar DeRozan and Nikola Vucevic to pair with Zach Lavine, Lonzo Ball, and Alex Caruso. Due to injuries to both Lavine and Lonzo, the wheels quickly fell off this team and they now struggle to hit a .500 record. Despite fans pleading to just build around the young core of Coby White and Ayo Dosumu, the front office refuses to listen. Narratives aside, the Bulls won the game and went on to face the Heat, whom they lost to in an incredibly quiet game (that I did not watch so I will not be going into further detail)
THE PLAYOFFS BABY!!!!
Let’s really get into the meat and potatoes of this segment, the playoffs!!!! We’re gonna get started with the Eastern Conference which if you haven’t been keeping up with the NBA since 2018, is by far the weaker conference and doesn’t receive as much attention from the media outside of a few big names.
The first matchup is the 1 seed Boston Celtics against the 8 seed Miami Heat, who are playing without their star player in Jimmy Butler. In game 1 the Celtics swept the heat, shooting incredibly well from beyond the arc as they have been all year, making this look like an easy sweep for the Celtics. Despite this, the Heat really came back in game 2, with Bam showing off his incredible defensive presence that earned him a spot on both the 2020 and 2024 summer Olympics teams and put up21 points and 10 rebounds about Kristaps Porzingis who played one of the worst games of his career.Tyler Herro went off for 24 and 14 with efficient shooting splits, Caleb Martin going for 21, and great games by rookie Jaime Jacquez Jr. and sophomore Nikola Jovic (not to be confused with Nikola Jokic on the Denver Nuggets). With Miami taking home a win in the garden without their best player, the Celtics have caught the eyes from many in the media including myself as it seems like they play too inconsistently, and a team that relies on the 3-ball that much (most attempts and makes in the league during the 2023-2024 season) is tough
to bet on come playoff time. While I think the Celtics will ultimately win this series, they need to figure things out before it’s too late. Tonight both teams will play in Miami, and we’ll see what happens from here.
Our next matchup is the 4 seed Cleveland Cavaliers against the 5 seed Orlando Magic, who quickly went from the 12 seed to the 5 seed due to the leadership of the 2022 first overall pick, Paolo Banchero. This series has received a lot of disrespect from the fans and media, as pretty much no one outside of Orlando and Cleveland fans have commented on it. Games 1 and 2 were easy sweeps in Cleveland, with everything finally looking like it clicked together with the young core, but in Game 3, Orlando really mopped the floor with the Cavs, winning by close to 40 points (one of the biggest deficits in a play-off win in NBA history). The Cavs have many questions surrounding them, rumor has it that all-star guard Donovan Mitchell will be leaving the Cavaliers after his contract expires in 2 years, leaving the front office unsure of what to do with this team. On the other hand, the future only looks up for Orlando, as they’re building a great culture down there and still have all of their draft picks to use to build around Banchero, who’s drastically improving. Another thing to keep in mind for this series is the poor performance by Cavaliers pg Darius Garland, who’s shot terribly this series and has dealt with ankle injuries all season.
Next we’re gonna talk about the 3 seed Bucks against the 6 seed Pacers, who have really been struggling since All-star guard Tyrese Haliburton had a major dip in his production after the All-star game. After the Pacers made a big move with the Raptors to acquire NBA champion forward Pascal Siakam, it was clear to the league that the Pacers are going all-in on the Tyrese Haliburton era. Due to 2 time MVP, Finals MVP, and DPOY Giannis Antetokounmpo (I spelled it right on the first try lets go!!!!) Being unavailable for the first round of the playoffs, it’s up to newly acquired star Damian “Hulu Has Live Sports” Lillard to carry this aging Milwaukee Bucks roster past the first round, or at least until Giannis is ready for a return.Sadly this hasn’t turned out in Milwaukee’s favor, as the current record is 2-1 in the Pacers favor, with Pascal Siakam averaging over 30 points, center Miles Turner absolutely dominating Brook Lopez, and Tyrese Haliburton distributing the ball like always, averaging around 14 assists this series. As of this morning, Damian Lillard has had his left foot placed in a boot, alerting the media that he probably won’t be available for the rest of this series, throwing Milwaukee’s future up in the air, as they’ve been knocked out in the first round for 2 seasons in a row, and Giannis’ health in great jeopardy.
Finally let’s talk about the series that keeps me up at night, The 7 seed Philadelphia 76ers against the 2 seed New York Knicks. At the start of the series the media and fans of the NBA leaned in favor of the Knicks due to the breakout season by All-star guard Jalen Brunson, along with their grit based playstyle and never give up attitude. This worked out in their favor for the first 2 games of the series in New York, giving them a 2-0 lead against the 76ers despite all-star guard Tyrese Maxey’s great effort on offense. After game 2, the 76ers front office and fans were outraged, as at the end game two Tyrese Maxey was fouled while receiving an inbound pass from Kyle Lowry while the 76ers had the lead in the ballgame, resulting in him losing possession of the ball and Donte DiVincenzo hitting an incredible 3-point shot to give the Knicks a victory. During the foul on Maxey, head coach Nick Nurse attempted to call a timeout, but was ignored by the referees. The front office complained directly to commissioner Adam Silver themselves, who released an official statement saying that Maxey was fouled twice during the play and that the timeout should’ve been granted to Nurse but this did not lead to a change in the results.During his postgame press conference, reigning MVP Joel Embiid told the media “We’re gonna win this series. This foul shit is ridiculous” as he held his head in his hands (which was later revealed to be caused from pain on the left side of his face due to Bell’s Palsy). Nonetheless the team headed to Philadelphia for game 3, where the Sixers won in incredible fashion with Embiid putting up 50 points, and Cameron Payne hitting some great shots off the bench to get the team the victory. During the 1st quarter of the game Embiid hit the floor hard in the paint, and Knicks center Mitchell Robinson, who recently returned from a left knee injury, went up for a dunk as he stood near Embiid. In response, Embiid pulled Robinson down as he went up, an incredibly dirty play in the eyes of both the fans and media. This resulted in Embiid receiving a flagrant 1 foul, which was deemed to be “too soft of a call” by the fans and media who believed that Embiid deserved a flagrant 2 foul which would’ve ejected him from the game. I personally could see the call going both ways, but I agree that Embiid’s star status along with his history of not making plays like this gave him the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes. Now let’s talk about some narratives and predictions for this series. Firstly, I have a lot of faith in the 76ers. A lot of times in basketball people say that the winner of a series (especially in the early rounds of the playoffs) will be determined by who has the best player. And I mean this with no bias when I say that Joel Embiid is MILES better of a basketball player than Jalen Brunson. Another important factor is the coaching. While I feel that Nick Nurse is a far better coach than Thibodeau, Thibodeau is perfectly suited to lead this Knicks team as it’s filled with players willing to give their full effort on both ends of the floor for the entirety of the game. I personally feel that the Knicks have a deeper and more talented bench that’s far better on defense, but when Joel Embiid and Tyrese Maxey light up, there’s nothing you can do about it. Despite the common opinions on Tobias Harris, I feel that he’s certainly a bit of an X-factor in this series, as him and Maxey really get a bucket right when the team needs it, but sometimes it’s just not enough against the knicks, who run rotations where every single player in that white and orange jersey is really a threat whenever they have the ball in their hands. Notable players on the Knicks include Isaiah Hartenstein who can put the ball in the hoop and efficiently guard Embiid, Josh Hart who in my opinion might be the most important player other than Embiid in the entire series, and Mitchell Robinson who is statistically one of the best defenders in the entire league, despite his incredibly young age. It’s tough to get wins in the garden, and it’s tough to muscle through a group like the Knicks that just won’t give up no matter how tough it gets but if the Sixers win this series and Joel Embiid can stay healthy I really think they have a shot of making the finals this year as no other team in the East that they may face in the playoffs has a counter to Embiid like the Knicks do. But enjoy the rest of this series and please pray for me. Because if the Sixers lose ANOTHER playoff series before the conference finals it’s gonna kill Embiid’s narrative forever until he brings home that trophy and dammit I can’t stand it.
THE WEST BABYYYY
The West is just so much fun. I understand that I’m writing this article as if I was a real professional journalist but I can’t help but keep my eyes glued to the screen with excitement when I watch some of these games. Especially the series I’m gonna start off with and that’s the 3 seed Minnesota Timberwolves against the 6 seed Phoenix Suns. Coming into this series there was a lot of doubt on the Timberwolves by the media as 1: Phoenix has the best player in this series in Kevin Durant. 2: The suns have beaten the Timberwolves all 3 times they’ve played this season. And 3: There’s just way too much firepower coming from Kevin Durant, Devin Booker, and Bradley Beal. To open my thoughts as to why the Wolves have a 3-0 lead (at the time of writing) against the Suns I’m gonna give you a statement that I’ve heard countless times from the NBA analysts I watch every single day: “When a team is that dependent on the 3-ball there’s no way you can reliably bet on them to win a series. When that 3-ball doesn’t hit, it’s game over.” Next I’m gonna give you some words of wisdom from my father when it comes to the NBA: “There’s only 1 basketball to shoot” along with “Defense wins games, whether it’s in hockey, football, or basketball” (my dad never watched soccer before sorry). And when it comes to what this Minnesota team can do, it’s defense. When you look at that Minnesota roster all I see is defenders on defenders on defenders. Despite the criticism the front office faced for trading away a good part of their future to acquire Rudy Gobert from the Utah Jazz in 2022, it’s really panned out for them in a way that the world would’ve never expected. Along with help from Jaden McDaniels, and Nickeil-Alexander-Walker, the Wolves have absolutely torched the Suns on defense, laughing at Devin Bookers previous statement this year saying “No one can guard all 3 of us” (referring to himself, Bradley Beal, and Kevin Durant). Along with this incredible defense, the Wolves have absolutely lit the Suns up on the offense as well, with 22-year old all-star guard Anthony Edwards looking like the best player in the entire playoffs so far., putting up 36 points in last night’s win. Suns owner Matt Ishbia looked incredibly frustrated during last night’s home game in Phoenix and rightfully so, as the Suns have given up all of their draft capital for the next 7 years just to put this team together and it has no signs of winning a championship anytime soon, hell they don’t even have a real starting point guard on that roster and it sure seems like they won’t anytime soon. I’m more than happy for the Wolves and really wish them the best of luck going into the future, as this team just like the Thunder and Nuggets were built off of excellent drafting, great player development, and smart moves by the front office while exercising patience. Now let’s talk about something that really makes me sad, the downfall of maybe my favorite player of all time: Kevin Durant. While Durant has played decently this season the narratives around him and the future in this league are nothing to smile about as he’s stuck with Phoenix for the next 3 or 4 years unless traded, with no sign of winning a championship anytime soon. Since leaving Golden State in 2019, Durant hasn’t even made a conference-finals (which I can write another whole article about why I hate this narrative) which isn’t good when you look back at the early stages of his career where he was put in conversations with players like Lebron James and Kobe Bryant. His 2 championship rings with the Golden State Warriors are often laughed at by fans, despite him winning 2 FMVPs in those championships, and it seems he has to deal with another unfortunate team scenario that he can’t control, It’s sad to see one of my favorite players just riding off into the sunset while the whole world laughs at him and disrespects his legacy, but I have to move on as well. Overall I think the Wolves are gonna take the next game and move onto the greatest matchup we’ll see in the playoffs being the Wolves against the Denver Nuggets.
Speaking of the 2 seed Denver Nuggets…. They’re currently up 3-0 against the 7 seed Lakers, who Anthony Davis told the media that he wanted to face, as “things would be different this time around”.. Despite that, the Lakers have looked worse than ever, and in my opinion really have no hope of winning anything anytime soon, as they have a horrible culture, terrible front office, horrifyingly bad bench, and their faith in a 39-year old man to bring them to the promised land of the NBA Finals. The Denver Nuggets are easily speeding past the Lakers, beating them in their last 11 matchups, and have shown the league why it takes a great TEAM (along with their incredible coach) to win and not rely on 1-3 individual players. The rest of the media has gone on and on about this series long enough, so I won’t take up too much more of your time with it but Anthony Davis has played incredibly well and anyone who ever put their faith in the Lakers to win this matchup is just beyond delusional. And yes I know how well they played since after the all-star break I don’t need you to pull up the graphic for me.
For our next series we’re gonna talk about the 1 seed Thunder against the 8 seed Pelicans who are trying to fight their way out of an inevitable death with hopes that Zion Williamson can bring them to the promised land if he returns after round 1. Going into the playoffs a big question in the media is “How GOOD are the Oklahoma City Thunder?”, “Is the Oklahoma City Thunder the worst 1 seed Western Conference team of all time?”, and “Is the Oklahoma City Thunder too young to win a championship?”. While we only have a small sample size of 2 games to work with, I think that the Thunder have proven the doubters wrong, despite the average age of the players on the roster being only 23.4, there’s some real deal talent on that roster, led by potential 2024 MVP guard Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, 2022 second overall draft pick Chet Holmgren, guard Josh Giddey, and forward Jalen “J-Dub” Williams. I can understand the question of “How well will this team translate into the playoffs from the regular season?” because these guys have never been there before and there’s not too many veterans on the roster to guide them. While their game 1 victory in Oklahoma wasn’t much to celebrate, game 2 is where the stars really aligned for the Thunder as every player really looked like themselves. While the series isn’t over, I’d say that the Thunder have a lot of hope going into round 2, and while I’d be surprised if they make the finals or win the championship, there certainly is a lot to look forward to in Oklahoma, as the Thunder have the largest treasure trove of draft picks in NBA history in the coming years, with potentially 31 picks in the next 7 years and I guarantee this core will be back in the playoffs for another chance this same time next year. While they may not take home the gold this year, the sky’s the limit for this young team, as their players are only getting better and better year after year. On the New Orleans side, things just aren’t clicking as Zion has been injured time and time again over the course of the regular season, and former all-star guard CJ McCollum is only getting older. While the Pelicans have young guys like Trey Murphy III and Herb Jones (all NBA first team defender caliber player) on the come up, the future of this team seems a little up in the air in my opinion, with Brandon Ingram really not taking that leap forward that the world expected him to.
Finally we’re gonna talk about the 4 seed Clippers against the 5 seed Mavericks. If you’ve known me long enough you’ll know that I’ve been rooting for this Kawhi and Paul George led Clippers team since day 1, and if I was a betting man then I’d be homeless by now. This team has led the city of Los Angeles (the small portion that actually roots for them) time and time again. And if there’s one team that’s went through the good, the bad, and the ugly over the course of the last 5 years, it really is the Los Angeles Clippers. I’m gonna try to stop myself from talking about the infamous 2020 bubble collapse and the 2021 series where Kawhi Leonard put up Shaq numbers on Shaq Efficiency with Shaq defense (real stats look it up) and all the other injuries but I’m here to talk about the present. Earlier this season the Clippers acquired former 2018 MVP James Harden to pair with Kawhi, PG, and Russell Westbrook, which was widely disrespected by the media saying that this team was destined for failure. Despite this, the Clippers had an incredible season before the all-star break and at one point held the #1 seed in the West. But this series against the Mavs has been just rough. Harden, widely known as a “playoff choker” has been the best player for the Clippers this postseason, with PG and Russ really struggling offensively, and Kawhi being injured for the first game and then putting up bench player numbers in the 2 games following his return. The Mavericks on the other hand came into this series as hot as can be, as they’ve statistically been the best team in the Western Conference in the last month of the regular season. This is highly due to the acquisitions of former Washington Wizards center Daniel Gafford, and former Charlotte Hornets forward PJ Washington, who they acquired for close to nothing. Along with the incredible offensive and (surprisingly) defensive efforts from Luka Doncic and Kyrie Irving, the Clippers have really struggled to put the ball in the net these past 2 games, giving the Mavericks a 2-1 lead at the time of me writing this. The Clippers just have so much money and so much draft capital tied into this team, and all they’ve accomplished over the past 5 years is a single Western Conference Finals appearance and the move has been deemed by fans and the media alike to be a failure and adding a huge stain to both Kawhi Leonard and Paul George’s legacies. While I would love to see this team bring home a championship and give many of the world’s childhood favorite players their first ever championship, it’s just hard to win series after series in the postseason on old legs. While I try
my best to have faith for this team, they just got absolutely torched last night on both ends of the floor and it looks like the Clippers have just had enough.
Welp that’s all for this week’s segment of Basketball with The Bear Tamer, I really hope you’ve enjoyed this and can say that you’ve walked out with a great deal of insight on the current state of the NBA. Please tune in next week for more news, narratives, and predictions! And remember, stay Brying.
Bullshit Report
- Brying has gone way up, and our analyst notes that there is a very high ceiling for its growth, especially considering all of its high ranking subsideraries, like Planet Brying.
- Vomit Cannon has spiked due to the events of Tuesday evening, which may have been the boost it needed to become a 2024 hit
Written by S.H.C. and Duke Krym
Market Consultation by Duke Krym
Art by Bing Image Creator
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