Welcome to the first April issue of Stool Hats Digest, a weekly SHP newsletter. Read on for all the info on Harpo’s latest NYC visit, Kevin’s takes on anime, and the crew’s latest Minecraft endeavor.
Best Wishes
Wishing a very happy birthday to Kevin and Stoli who celebrated their 21st and 20th birthdays, respectively, this past Sunday.
Modded Minecraft is Back!
This week, the crew has taken a liking to a new Minecraft modpack and began yet another server hosted by Brian. Brian, along with Stoli, have logged some real hard hours into this new world with predictions of its longevity exceeding recent Minecraft adventures, though the validity of this has yet to be seen. Dylan, as expected, is still more interested in fishing than anything else and Kevin still refuses to buy the game despite its status as the best-selling video game of all time, with copies of Minecraft almost matching the population of the United States of America (the 3rd largest country in the world, by the way). Regardless, this will be an important week for this Minecraft server as it continues to try and maintain relevance and avoids the fate of the many servers that have come before it.
Kevin Speaks on the Current State of Anime: “It Can Only Get Better From Here”
During a Friday night discussion in which Chiv asked Dylan and Stoli about their relationship with anime growing up, he asked the duo if they feel a sense of territoriality over the style and community, to which they both replied a resounding yes. Dylan then went on to note: “These shows that we grew up on are the best anime ever created, it is the blueprint”. Stoli, agreeing with this sentiment, spoke about how people today often judge the animation of these “classics” and often don’t realize how much higher quality the plot, character, and power systems were back then. It is at this point that Kevin famously interjected, saying: “I think it can really only get better from here… like the way that it looks is so much better”
Considering the trajectory of the conversation up until that point, Stoli and Dylan were extremely offended at the thought. They bashed Kevin for his mixy-at-best relationship with anime and how he didn’t understand what it was like to be the first generation of obsessed Americans. Kevin continued to advocate for the improved aesthetic and visual styles of newer productions, but Stoli and Dylan seemed to feel Kevin was speaking out of place. When brought up again on Saturday afternoon, Kevin had no response, though it is expected he simply didn’t feel like reading the chat.
Harpo Makes a Special Appearance
On Friday, Harpo took a trip down to New York City for a show that was being hosted in Manhattan. Luckily, this show ended just in time for Friday Night Links with Chiv, Dylan, Kevin, and Stoli. In an ironic twist of luck, the plan for this week’s FNL was to take a trip over to Bonchon, a place of which Harpo has heard a lot and seen a little. After a quick walk through the Queensbridge Houses (former home of rapper Nas, Malice at the Palace veteran Metta ‘Ron’ Artest, and those Makks that were indicted a couple years back), the completed New York division of the Stool Hat Pirates were on there way.
The first stop as at 7/11 where Kevin, despite his position as Designated Driver, bought two tall Twisted Teas for Stoli and Chiv, further proving the theory that Kevin loves any situation that involves alcohol (also because he was one of two people in the car who is legally allowed to make that purchase). Kevin then realized that he was so infatuated with the thought of buying alcohol that he forgot to pick up a lighter, which he bought at a different gas station in which the clerk actually scanned Kevin’s freshly-minted horizontal ID, which Kevin was very offended by.
The group finally arrived at Bonchon, where they parked outside the restaurant, put “Ramadan is Here” on using Kevin’s Tesla’s “Boombox” feature, and had a pre-dinner cyph (Chiv was freezing and the cold Twisted Tea did not help). Freshly smoked up, they walked inside Bonchon which instantly excited Harpo when he realized they sell soju, which he responsibility chose not to get considering the long drive he had to make later that evening.
The gang got 30 wings and 2 orders of fries. Kevin and Dylan once again mocked the idea of everyone getting their own fries. It is assumed they don’t understand the value of good flavor and the tactical use of vomiting. Stoli, despite not eating it, ordered coleslaw, as, in accordance with Stool Hat Pirates lore, Radish is not permitted, under any circumstance. Still, this order was plenty enough for our heroes. They sped through dinner (Editor’s note: At this point, I was pretty crossed and so time became pretty irrelevant to me. I feel like we ate and left faster than we usually do, but from this point forward I should be considered a pretty unreliable narrator – MC) and left the restaurant. Harpo was then asked to rate his first ever Bonchon experience, and he provided these quotes:
“It was good. The chicken was pretty good but the fries were fucking fire… [on whether the fries were some of the best he ever had] Honestly? Yeah. I hate saying that because it sounds like dickriding, but they really were…[On the overall price] Yeah… there was five of us and it was what? 80 bucks? That’s really good.”
And just like that, another pirate’s life changed by Bonchon. It is still unclear whether or not Harpo plans to ever return to Bonchon or intends to ever test their soju.
Bullshit Report
- Ramadan is Here has only gone up since last week’s release of the eponymous track performed by Lil Krym and TRUEPIRATEKING for Stool Hat Pirates and For Myself Recordings
- Kevin is Drunk has also seen a pretty steady increase, though its worth noting that it has now broken off into many different sectors and will be doing business under different names from here forward. A few to look out for are: Get Kevin His Keys, Kevin is an Alcoholic, and “You Can Probably Drive Drunk with Tesla Full-Self Driving”. Please note that this list is not exhaustive and will most likely change as the trend continues.
- The Mc has seen a solid growth and still maintains its original backing. Early predictions see it becoming a SHP staple, though it is simply too early to tell for sure.
Advice from the Bear Tamer
“Keep your grass low”
Written by S.H.C.
Market Consultation by Duke Krym
Art by Bing Image Creator
”Stool Hats Digest” is a production of RINTERNET PUBLISHING, an internal division of PIRATE KING.
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