a message to our fans
First and foremost, we at Rinternet Publishing want to apologize for our unannounced and poorly justified hiatus. 2024 has been a particularly long and tumultuous year which has caused many in the Stoolhatsphere to lose spirit and even sight of links themselves. As some of you may know, this effected some individuals more than others but sent a widespread shockwave throughout the entire space. Still, the heart of the crew beats on. After the Great Link Pondering earlier this month, we decided it was time for a full revamp of links, and with it, the resurgence of the newsletter.
In the same breathe, we’d like to thank our loyal fans for holding on to hope of our glorious return. You are the lifeblood of SHP, Riternet Publishing, and the Digest as a whole. Wait no longer. It is here, every Monday. Without further ado, welcome back to STOOL HATS DIGEST, a weekly SHP newsletter!
October the 22nd: A Flash from the Past or a Turning Point in Links?
Since the Great Link Pondering in early October, tensions around the established restaurant-link paradigm has been high, with many, namely Stool Hat Chiv and Bear Tamer Krym, fighting against the practice altogether, with the two SHP titans instead rallying for cheaper, most loose, and bullshit-heavy links, all things the two argue are impossible with the modern treatment. On Tuesday night, that was put to the test.
The plan was simple: Chiv and Dylan would get chinese food and begin the operation to retrieve the premium goon material from Dylan’s used 2018 MacBook Pro. Once the dynamic duo realized the chinese place, Middle Village’s Golden Harbor (the best in New York City) was closed, the plan quickly spiraled into a trip to Manhattan with Stoli for some Five Guys and Bryant Park conversations. But this wasn’t without some stops along the way.
First stop was the smoke shop to pick up an Airbar Mini for Dylan, who planned to share it in the men’s bathroom. Then to the dispensary for Stoli to increase his black lung status by copping up on a pre-roll. Then finally to Bonchon, though the crew quickly realized the one on 5th Avenue was closer and headed in that direction. Upon parking, realizing the proximity to Five Guys, they headed there instead. Dylan, combining the condiments of Chiv and addons of Stoli, was blessed with the Bol Bol burger, by Bol Bol himself (I’m lying). The trio then took a quick walk to Bryant Park to spark up and start breaking down some classic standard bullshit.
Upon leaving, the group spun by the Mc for some quick McFlurries and then rang up Kevin before dropping off Stoli. After that, they called Brian, Harpo, and Nick. Why? Simple. They needed WiFi to complete the mission of obtaining the goon material. Eventually Dylan and Chiv returned to Dylan’s crib to watch some NBA and Theresa, while trying their hand at the goon content. The mission was a failure, but the link a success.
For Myself Fantasy Tip-Off! (Pause)
The first season of the official Stool Hat Pirates fantasy league, For Myself Fantasy, began last Wednesday. Let’s take a look at the matchups, stats, and what’s coming up!
Since this is the first report on the league, lets familarize ourselves with the teams first
For the New York division, we have:
- SHP captain Stool Hat Chiv’s Quik Cliccs
- Bullshit expert Bear Tamer “Duke” Krym’s Sacramento Kryms
- The easy-going Kevin’s Cauchi Glasses
- Cyph monsta Black Lung Stoli’s Black Lung BallHogs
and in the Maryland division:
- Jedi Master Nick’s Process Hali-lujah
- Auto-draft extraordinaire Malik’s Malik’s Monstrous Team
- Attempted SHD hacker Danel’s Danel’s Obedient Apes
- Boston-rider Cam’s Mo City Moon Men
This Week’s Results
- Mo City Moon Men defeated Quik Cliccs in a close 1274-1162
- Process Hali-lujah beat Danel’s Obedient Apes in a upset of 1228-974
- Sacramento Kryms destroyed Cauchi Glasses 1361-1068
- Black Lung BallHogs took out Malik’s Monstrous Team 1022-980
Upcoming
This week, the matchups are as follows:
- Quik Cliccs vs. Malik’s Monstrous Team
- Danel’s Obedient Apes vs. Cauchi Glasses
- Black Lung BallHogs vs. Process Hali-lujah
- Sacramento Kryms vs. Mo City Moon Men
Who do you got? Let us know by emailing [email protected]
Bullshit Report
- Various functions, activites, and shit of that nature is a breakout on the scene, longetivity is unknown at this time
- Meechie machine, also in variant of It meechies have been bringing some strong numbers to the table and seem like they are here to stay, at least for a while
- In light of the fantasy season, Tyrese Maxey is really fast and runs up and down the court has seen some relevance, with other players replacing Maxey in certain scenarios
- The 2024 Presidential Election because Donald Trump sold out MSG (instead of rallying a swing state for whatever reason)
- Theresa. ‘Nough said.
Message from the Bear Tamer
Three things are inevitable in life: Death, Taxes, and Anthony Davis
Written by S.H.C.
Market Consultation by Duke Krym
Art by Bing Image Creator
”Stool Hats Digest” is a production of RINTERNET PUBLISHING, an internal division of PIRATE KING.
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