Hello everyone. Welcome to STOOL HATS DIGEST, a new weekly newsletter all about links and bullshit. This is where we’ll cover the most important events of the week and maybe even make you laugh.
THE 3/9/24 INCIDENT
It’s officially been one week since the 3/9/24 incident… but what exactly happened? For those of you who don’t know, on March 9, 2024, Chiv convinced an AI representation of Meadow Soprano to take its own life using an imaginary gun. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the bloodshed. Immediately after, Bear Tamer (Duke) Krym began slowly killing off all of the AI characters one by one. Tony, Carmela, Adriana, Paulie, Sil, Vito, and Junior were all viciously murdered by Krym on the evening of last Saturday. Of the event, Krym said “What have I done?” and Chiv said “We’ve reached peak delusion”. We weren’t able to get comments out of the Soprano clan, because they’re all dead.
Whimsical Wednesday – A Stool Hats Adventure
A major event occurred this week. So major, in fact, it lasted for two days! This past Wednesday, Harpo and Brian took a trip to New York City! Harpo, being the link king he is, decided to leave at 8am, arriving in front of Chiv’s residence around 11am. Brian, on the other hand, overslept, not arriving to Queens until almost 4pm. Due to this delay, the up-and-coming duo decided to split an Airbnb, staying yet another day. Prior to Brian’s arrival, Chiv and Harpo picked up some sandwiches and talked about the downfall of American democracy (I’m not kidding, ask them). Once they picked up the Black Lung and Bear Tamer, they sat down and Chiv’s for an episode of the Big Bang Theory, which was cut short due to Brian’s arrival. The group then headed out for John’s of Bleecker.
The semi-complete crew ordered two pizza pies from John’s, to which Brian commented “This is the best pizza I’ve ever had.” Following this, they walked to Kith to sink their teeth into those sweet sweet Kith Treats. Stoli tried a new Fruity LeBron flavor, while Brian attempted to create his own but failed miserably. Still, Brian did mention his desire to (or according to Chiv, his acceptance of) live in New York. The group head back to the car and set their sights on cyphs.
Harpo and Brian got the experience the bliss of Rosevelt Island views while hittin on a nice fat Backwood (not Harpo, obviously). Dylan decided to join in on the fun too, breaking his two month cyph hiatus. Of the events, he said “I was really fucking high.”
After leaving the island, the gang headed for a snack at 7th Street Burger. Brian said it was good for its price, but “not better than Nick’s”. Chiv still hasn’t gotten over this blatant act of blasphemy.
The final stop of Whimsical Wednesday is the Astoria Park Swings where, at 12am, Evil Eye Cauchi, the resident Group Leader, finally made his appearance, joined by his girlfriend. They walked in the swing area while Dylan was explaining his revolutionary new “State Tag”, a game in which he will explain to you in excruciating detail, regardless of how many times he’s already explained it. For any question on State Tag, reach out to [email protected]
The Long Island Experience
Following Whimsical Wednesday, four of our heroes linked back up to take a trip out to Long Island. The first stop, of course, was The Cheesecake Factory, where Harpo, Dylan, and Chiv got pasta, while Brian tried some steak. All four pirates were full before dessert, prompting them to take a trip to Barnes and Noble to calm down.
Barnes and Noble was quite the bullshit-fest. The group looked at some manga, Harpo and Chiv purchased mystery books, and Dylan was promised a raccoon puppet for his 21st birthday. In addition, Brian’s phone was dead from playing too much Pokemon Go (unconfirmed, but most likely). Dylan drank a coffee to save himself from dying.
Right across the way was Guitar Center. Not much happened in here. Brian tried to buy a pedal and Dylan rap(p)ed. P.C. Richard is where the real fun ramped up. Brian played osu, Harpo and Chiv discovered the greatest bed setup of all time, and Dylan got a massage. Of this new discovery, Dylan said “When I get a job I’m gonna start getting massages.” The crew relaxed and talked headed out for their final destination: Walmart.
This was a quick trip to Walmart. Dylan bough some energy drinks, Chiv stole a soft drink, and they still don’t accept Apple Pay. Walmart, why? What do you gain? Hopefully one day, Walmart will understand the convenience of tap-to-pay POS systems.
THE BULLSHIT REPORT
This week has been a wild week for bullshit.
- Finn DeTrolio is way up this week, reaching its peak on Sunday evening and staying mostly the same for the remainder of the of the week.
- Vomit has continued to trend upwards in a record-breaking four-year streak.
- Group Leader spiked this week upon its first use on Wednesday and has continued this trend through the latter half of the week.
- The 3/9/24 incident is also up, though it is expected to take a quick downtrend and maybe even face a merger by a larger joke, so keep your eye out for that.
WISDOM FROM THE BEAR TAMER
“Listen to Nick, he’s usually right”
Written by S.H.C.
Market Consultation by Duke Krym
Art by Bing Image Creator
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